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i figure that my self obsession is the worst thing about me. there's a lot of competition i know. it feels as if a lot of things like ignorance and arrogance and selfishness all stem from that. i sure have all those things in spades. i got twisted around myself when i was a kid and never even tried untangling, just knotted more and more to where we can't even see who i am. i didn't always know what i meant to my wife and i still don't know exactly what i did to her, inside. all i can ever see is myself. it's disgusting. i am so undeserving of anything. i should do it today. i wish i could. i can't even shower without thinking of blood everywhere. i think about it twenty or thirty times a day, even now, all these meds. stupid that after this i can't push her further away.